side work

✮⋆ How delicious the feeling, when I finally get a poem past the final round and into Fruitslice. Until then, my rejection is your reading pleasure.

side work

I’m rolling silver when

that strange compulsion to check

the tiny computer in my back

pocket takes over. a message (!)

from blood: we moved dad significantly

on the spiritual plane

          (which is a good thing)

I’m reassured. before long I’m in

the boom boom room, booking a call

with a californian who feels

like hope.

I think I used to

make my own, but now

I can’t tell

if that version of me was

because of the future

or in spite of it.

the clock ticks

a minute past twelve

and I worry I acted too fast

too rash

clicked the wrong date and

then the phone rings.

soon there’s a sherry on the other end

who says a negative spirit is

sucking

all

the air

from

my lungs—

she severs the presence and speed reads

my energy for filth. karmically I am

still linked

to my knees (weak) 

and a neck injury from a past life

where a horse bucked

and I broke. three past lives (!)

she can detect

where I. was. broke.

ouch.

ouch.

more clearing. 

you’re scared

she says,

you’re scared

that if you finally receive

(capital M) money … you might lose it

might

not do the right thing with it.

I choke

on the weight

of this soul assignment

then laugh

at the knee mobility exercise sheet

I took a screenshot of earlier

that morning.

I laugh because I know

and she knows

lack only begets lack

because I (now) know

that same silver I’m polishing

and rolling and stacking

in bus tubs is a trigger point

from a bad investment

and maybe (just maybe)

the soul is the one that holds

the score.

I’m scared, knowing

I’ll lose my self

as I know her to be—

if I’m no longer starving

if the river in my mind really will

carry the cash, the collaborators

downstream

fill my nets when cast

never run dry.

I’m scared, knowing

who I might lose

the pleasure of being

if I don’t break

this cycle

this time around.

all eyes

     (all lives)

on me, then

to snip this phantom

thread and clear

the cache

I’ll watch me do it

out of love.